Saved by the Swine Flu

My son is sick and he has to stay home…not good! He should be in pre-school and God knows I need a break, but the poor little (not so little) thing is a mess and my husband is out-of-town on business. It is just me!

I e-mail everyone to let them know I will not be able to go out on any sales calls…PHEW!!! Actually, I am so happy-I mean what can they say. Nothing and I am his mom. However, if you knew him you might agree that it would be easier to go out on sales calls and get rejected than stay in the house with a cranky sick 4-year-old who insists on playing Star Wars Wii for hours on end.

I don’t hear from them at all, I start to get worried. This is it; I am going to be fired. Still nothing, so I send another e-mail asking if there is anything I can do for them from home? Still no response, OMG I am being fired or I’m really paranoid! I send her an e-mail and ask, “What’s going on? I feel really bad that I can’t work. Are you mad at me?” She replies, “No silly!  You and your son are sick, so I was just leaving you alone.” Oh, Oh, well I feel much better. She tells me that I can work on our Constant Contact database and sends me her contacts and also ask me to get some followers on our Twitter account.  So off I go into viral web space..ohhh ummm!!! Much better than heading out on the road.

-Pink

Sickness

Sickness has run through her household and her little Gambino has the swine. I know she feels bad because she is very conscientious and wants to work, but what the heck can you do? I remember feeling that pressure being a single mother “I don’t have time to be sick” or “Crap! My baby’s sick!” What a horrible way to have to live. Plus, it’s a nice break from the horror of selling this product!!! I call to check in on her and now she is sick and very, very upset. She feels like she is going to DIE – yes, DIE — and her husband is out-of-town. Oh no. Her husband is a huge help with the kids. This couldn’t have happened at a worse time. PLUS, her mom is in the hospital with high blood pressure. Is this for real??? I don’t know whether to laugh or feel bad. (I better not laugh. She’ll never talk to me again.) I am just going to leave her alone.

Then I get the e-mail “Are you mad at me?” Oh … I feel really badly. No. Of course I’m not mad at her. I actually don’t want her to have a nervous break down – it’s not worth it. What she’s probably sensing more is the uneasiness I feel in trying to help her do well when I don’t even have confidence in this god-forsaken product. Well, let me qualify that: I have confidence, but no one else seems to. I work my tail off, prepare, prospect, question, present, propose, close — and NOTHING! Now, I start to feel sick to my stomach and wonder what is really going on with me.

-Seltzer

Anticipation or Frustration……..

She’s frustrated. She definitely is a workhorse and wants to succeed. She is wondering why she hasn’t made a sale and it’s week two. Poor thing… not only shouldn’t she be so hard on herself, but she’ll be lucky to make a sale in month two! God, how can I tell her that selling this publication is like driving a stake through Jell-O? UGH! I tell her she’s way too hard on herself and she needs to give herself some time.

She doesn’t want us to think she’s not capable or a loser. Are you kidding me? If she’s going to judge her ability by selling this product that’s not well branded in a bad economy– well, I’ll get the rope for her now. Why waste time?

~Seltzer

 Hockey pucks in AZ!

I guess at this point, what I can say..no one wants to buy and I really don’t want to sell. That’s it..you must love what you sell in order to sell it, you must be passionate about what your selling and you must understand it- inside and out…..that right ladies and gentlemen, that’s the key to success and you heard it here, for the 1 trillionth time!!

My first sales job in life was actually selling ice hockey pucks in Arizona..now that my friend is hard. I did very well; however, selling a glossy ad for a glossy magazine in CT…IMPOSSIBLE…lol:)  I was resorting to begging and pleading-this is a nightmare and I am fully engulfed now. Must get a sale, must get a sale, must get at least one!

It starts to make people crazy, the more pressure you put on the sale-the harder it is to obtain. How great, Murphy’s Law is kicking in! I felt like I needed to swoop to more drastic levels, but what was that..extortion maybe..ummm, NO…can’t go to jail for this. I know …just have a good dinner and stop thinking about it, get up tomorrow and have a brand new day!

~PINK

Our First Networking Event~

Networking. It’s supposed to be the new way to get business. NO MORE COLD CALLING – MEET PEOPLE AND GET REFERRALS. Okay. I’ve been called a master networker and I guess to a degree, I am. I’ve been told I can make a tree talk and I do love helping people, so I am constantly referring people to each other. I guess that makes me a networker and I think she’s one too.

She has a specific territory – her own little world to scan for business. A hawk with a huge field filled with mice for the taking. So when a local Chamber was having a business after hours event, this posed the perfect opportunity for her to stake her claim. And it was at a piano bar – Joe’s Piano. How fun! I tell her about it and she says, “Joe’s Piano? I know all of the bars and restaurants around here and I don’t know about this one.” I tell her that it might be new so it’s entirely possible she hasn’t been there. Hmmm, she knows every bar and restaurant . . . she doesn’t seem like the type of person that would be out drinking all the time, but you never know …

We agree to meet at the event. Even though I’m usually spent by the time these things come around, I’m looking forward to it. She’s fun. She calls me kind of panic-stricken as I’m talking to some people I know in the parking lot. “Where is this place?” I laugh and tell her it’s in an industrial park and it’s Joe’s Piano — like a place that sells pianos! We crack up and I can’t believe that we are the only two that didn’t get it. I even tell the owner the humorous story. He was cordial, but didn’t laugh. Instead he gave me kind of sickly half-smile. Oops.

She arrives and I introduce her to a few folks and we rush to the bar. Lovely, it’s an open bar. We grab some wine. She seems to have gotten held up and I’m stuffing my face with delicious Italian food that the owner actually made himself. Impressive.

I think to myself, “I hope that she knows how to ‘network’ and isn’t telling everyone that they should buy our product.” The funny thing is, she wouldn’t come off as a networking-whore because she’s so likable. It would actually work for her.

I have to leave early so I go to see if she’s okay and she’s kind of slumped up against a wall. Is she listening? Is she in pain? I motion to let her know I’m leaving and mouth, “Are you okay?” She nods yes and looks okay. I hope she’s having fun and finds it useful. I’ll check with her tomorrow to see if she’s gotten any leads and off I go.

Seltzer~

Piano=Bar?

I guess with most jobs comes the ultimate evening of networking. Things pop into your head like “You should be there”, “Get out and have your face seen”, “we have to make a presence in this town” and while that all may be true, these networking events are BORING!!!

On this night it was really no different, the only thing in question was where was  it? I live in town and have never heard of this place. A piano bar that I have missed-this kind of thing is my ultimate favorite. I mean getting out of the house to have a few cocktails is nice; however, “networking” not so nice-but I will give it a shot. I have the directions and head out.

As I am driving a friend calls and i tell her where I am going-she instantly tells me that there is no bar at that address and to top it off its in a bad area! WHAT…there has to be a bar, the invite said cocktails..I call Seltzer..immediately she starts laughing and say’s this..”Oh my god, it’s a place that fixes piano’s!”…Great she is there already and it’s not a piano bar, I should have come up with an excuse not to go.

I arrive and go in. Everyone seems pleasant and quietly talking with each other. Seltzer introduces me to a friend of hers, but the conversation goes no where. Another gentleman starts talking to me who is a real estate guy and he is complaining about the country & the economy. As I manuever through the crowd, I am stunned by the looks on people faces. No one is really happy or laughing it has more of a funeral like setting. I go down 2 glasses of wine. I then talk to another girl who it’s her first time there too, she has no $$ and is complaining as well. 

Seltzer has to go and at this point I am literally having the wall hold me up. I question the reason, “why are we all standing around a piano store hoping to get business but not actually talking about it? What am I doing here..and when is a streaker going to run through the room?”

I had enough and left…and the “streaker” never showed..LOL!

~Pink

Day One of Training (A.K.A. The Day the Animals Died)

Another benefit of working from your home is that you get to train in comfort. I sent her a ton of stuff to look over. I know it was a lot, but it’s better to digest it all and then come prepared – right? I’ve got all my stuff and I figure it will be just an easy day of training, but I have one sales call to make before she comes.  “Damn,” I thought. “I’m on a roll and I hate having to leave the house. It’s such an interruption!” (Ah, you could use a sale dummy) but now I clearly understand it was my gut telling me there would be no sale.

I drive to the home-based business (strike one, but understandable given the nature of the work) of a woman whose father has been battling an illness. She was kind enough to schedule amidst the back and forth with her father. The business section of the property was locked so I walk toward a mildly run-down older home with an addition on it (strike two – probably has a small budget). I press the doorbell and was glad that the sleeping dog did not awake. Hmmm, the bell doesn’t work. I’ll try the front door. I get to the front door and ring when I see a tiny beautiful, but dead, bird on the doorstep. The internal dialogue starts:

“Oh, how pretty. Poor little thing. God, if I was the woman, I would be embarrassed if someone came to my house and there was a dead bird on the doorstep. Maybe she has a cat. No… it doesn’t look shredded. No sign that it hit the wall. Should I kick it off the stoop so she doesn’t see it? God, but what if she sees me and then thinks I’m just horribly mean. Well, I’ll just smile when she answers the door. Maybe I can make a joke? No. Better not.”

No answer.

I leave one of those bulls**t messages that hide the fact you really want to tell them to go to hell for standing you up. “Hi xxx. I had you on my calendar today, but maybe I was mistaken. I will be in the area for a while (lie) so give me a call if you are still available.” I decide to try the back part of the house again where the dog was. I go to the door and knock very hard. While I am doing so the owner calls apologizing profusely that she had to rush her father to the hospital. Her voice starts to shake. I feel just awful … and then I notice that the sleeping dog does not move. I can’t believe this. A dying father, a dead bird and a dead dog!!!! I knock really, really hard. No movement. I look really, really close. His tongue is hanging out and his eyes are open. It’s all I can do not to say, “Holy s**t lady. Your dog is dead too!” Thank God I keep my big mouth shut and run for my life.

I don’t know whether to cry or laugh, but all I know is that this is so bizzarro I just have to tell someone. When she gets to my house for training, I tell her this crazy story. I’m not much of a crier so I’m kind of laughing. I think she’s a little horrified because she doesn’t laugh at all. I think, “Okay, I’ll be quiet now.”

After stuffing her with oodles of information, it was time to stuff ourselves with some food. We ordered pizza and I wolfed it down. (I really need to stop that. I think it freaks people out – not necessarily grosses them out, but has the potential to.) Anyway, we talked a little outside of work, but not a lot and I was thankful for this. My last hire was a communications nightmare. I loved her personality and wit, but she digressed for a solid 20 minutes about 5 minutes into each phase of training. Plus, this was my big chance to implement an effective sales process to create successful employees and a successful company. What the hell was I so serious for? It seems like a hundred years ago.

She started to glaze over after hour 4 and said she had to go home and get her kids. Ewe . . .  I know, I know, kids are important and they’re fun as heck, but that’s the hard a** in me. Work, work, work while you’re on the clock. Funny though, she mentioned to me that she had a very strong work ethic and I knew that to work in the entertainment field creating what she did she HAD TO HAVE a strong work ethic. I wasn’t concerned. Go get your munchkins.

-Seltzer

First Day on the Job

I am told to be at her house at 10:00am on Monday to go over training stuff. Ok fine, but I will be in casual clothes and be comfortable. I drive out to the house and as I pull up, I am amazed. Wow, she lives here? It was beautiful! The house was stunning with a giant circular driveway overlooking a lake. Mental note to self…she is not being invited over my house.

I ring the bell, she opens the door. She is standing in business attire with big puffy white slippers on and begins this story, “I just got back from a clients and as I walked up the step-there was a dead bird on the walk. I wanted to kick it out of the way so the client wouldn’t be embarrassed, but I didn’t. Then I kept ringing the bell and knocking and no one was coming to the door, but I could see her dog.so I kept ringing the bell and knocking…BUT then I noticed the dog was dead, it’s tongue was hanging out and it was dead…finally my cell rang and it was the client and she had to take her father to the hospital and he was dying!”

Are you kidding me I thought to myself…this is crazy. I don’t want this freaking job! I inhale and follow her out to the kitchen where she proceeds to overload my brain with sales lingo, rates, one sheets, customer service templates, web passwords, etc.

We eat lunch, we finally finish up and we head to her garage where she piles loads and loads of stuff into my arms for the job. This is not what I had bargained for, why all this paper and stuff…OMG, I am in ad sales overload. I get in the car and drive home.

-Pink

The offer~

All I can say, it was easy – wayyyyyy too easy.  I should have known that this was not going to be a usual – anything. We had interviewed people and offered jobs to a handful. Everyone was freaked out about making money. And I get it. “We’re not here to make friends. We’re here to make money.” (I have to be a little pissed at someone to say this, but the truth hurts.) So, when I offered her the small weekly salary and higher commission, she said, “Okay, I’ll take it.” There was not even a hesitation. I know she came from money. Maybe she doesn’t need the money– God, she’s perfect!

We set up our training time and I prepared to overwhelm her with information. Ahhh, you gotta love the sales training process!

~Seltzer

Flat screen

She called, offered me the job, I accepted and would start on Monday! The problem was I didn’t even really understand the position; I wanted a job for extra cash, besides Christmas was coming.

I called everyone I know and made the position sound much grander then it actually was, but for now I would have some extra cash and I had solved one of my problemos!

 ~Pink

The Leaf-We actually meet!

We meet at Starbucks where we have all our interviews. Is that weird? I don’t know. That’s just what happens when you build a business without bricks and mortar. She comes in on time and looked just fine. I’ve never been one to scrutinize what people wear. I want people to look presentable – that’s all. I love it when they jazz it up a little too. I mean, really, who the hell wears gray suits and pearls on a normal day?

As we began to talk, I noticed she had a tiny, little yellow elm leaf resting gently between her headband and forehead. (I actually just Googled leaves – my husband knows them by heart and the proper scientific classification). So the internal dialogue begins. Should I tell her? Should I move it? Would my boss say anything (would he even frickin’ notice? God I hope he doesn’t fart in this interview – I digress.) Would she feel funny when I pointed it out and then get nervous? I just decided that what she didn’t know wouldn’t hurt her and she deserved a stress-free interview.

Things went fine. She was just as genuine as she was on the phone and my boss went through his usual bullshit spiel that I bought into, and she left.

 ~Seltzer

The Ultimate Interview

This is a nightmare; meet them at Starbucks, get dressed up, and fear my friends walking in-I was on the verge of throwing up. Family calling and saying things like “good luck and if it doesn’t work out it wasn’t for you” “what are you wearing, you have to look professional?”Oh everyone, just let me be, I am not even dressed yet!

I fly down to the center, park and realize I do not have change. Who cares at this point, let them tow the car it will give me something to do for the afternoon. LOL.

I go in and there she is with him, the ceo. He is very preppy and has a monotone voice, she is bubbly and outgoing. She is very business like but her voice was now matching her appearance. He is talking and I keep thinking, “This is a Seinfeld episode with a low talker.” He loves himself, his company, everything he has ever done and more.

“What do you think you could bring to this company?” the dreaded question. I push it into over drive. “I am a very hard worker, I love going around town and meeting new people, I find that helping people with their business is so fulfilling,blah, blah, blah!

 It was over, I thanked them and left.

 ~Pink

The Phone Call

When she picked up, she sounded kind of … anxious, but after a few words, not crazy. Maybe she ran to the phone or had to frantically find it in a pile of something. I asked her to tell me a little bit about her background and realized quickly that she was genuine and did leave the insurance industry to pursue her dream. Nice.

She rambled a bit, but nothing major. She was totally real. As I look at my notes on the resume, I see things like “not risk averse” (well, thank God because she can’t be with this company) “pitched toughies” (is that like big men wearing a snuggie?) “What u see is what u get” (yes, with the “u”s and I think she actually said that.) “needs action/passionate/creative”

If she wasn’t already hitting my hot buttons, she talked genuinely (there’s that word again) about how much her and her friends loved our product. I needed that more than anything. I loved our product too, but when you’re out on the streets, sometimes you wonder…

I told her I would call her back, but I knew we were going to interview her. I just had to give the report to El Jefe.

 -Seltzer

Set up a Phone Interview

 After a couple emails back and forth…she set up a phone interview. Ohhh goddd, that means I have to get my 4 yr old out of the house and get a babysitter, because I am actually going to act professional and this would not happen with him around. Oh I could just see it now, “Mama, put on Dora, Mama I have to poop, Mama…”  I have to get rid of him and quick.

 The call was for 11:00am.I quickly drove him to my in-laws in Southington (25 mins away) and returned at exactly 10:59. My husband texted me “good luck” and I waited for the phone to ring.

 As I waited, I Googled her name and saw her picture. This wasn’t going to be as easy. She looked like someone who should work in the Whitehouse and strict and mean! Just then the phone rang…friendly voice, but all business.

 I was off guard; I was staring at her picture on the computer but not associating the voice. I was rambling trying my hardest to convince her I could sell anything. I loved her company, which was true, but definitely not as much as I lead on. HELLO…I am trying to get a job!

 Finally the conversation was coming to an end (thank god) and she said she would call me back. Phew, it was over and I could go back to doing what I do, eating. Popped in an éclair and headed to pick up my son in Southington.

-Pink

Hmmm … Interesting

Another resume pops into my e-mail. I’m both excited at the prospect of finding a sales person and wondering if the person I see on paper today will want a million dollar salary. UGH!

Good intro in the e-mail and no cover letter – thank God. Employers just want the meat. We’re not HR after all. A creative background in concept development (which I likened to script writing), local television production and as I scroll — insurance sales. Really? This girl made some changes to pursue a dream. Nobody bounces out of the security of the insurance industry for just nothing. Unless of course, they feel like their soul is dying. (Did I say that?) I know people who have been involved in the film industry, written television scripts and produced movies. You have to be tenacious to sell your ideas. The process is fraught with rejection and you are typically approaching heavy hitters. She’s perfect –especially the rejection part!

Is it just me or is this friggin product a bi*** to sell? And she lives in one of the areas we are trying to penetrate. Even better. A local (Is that like a townie? Will she have teeth? Well, of course, she lives in a rich town. Maybe she wears fur…) I digress. I sent her an e-mail, the only part of which I really remember is the first line: “Hmmm… interesting.” At the time, I didn’t think that was strange at all, but apparently I was wrong!

-Seltzer

LOLBusiness 

Oh Goddd, a job!

A nightmare ruined my dream, literally. I had a dream I pursued it and then everything came to a halt because of the economy. That being said, I took the summer off to hang out with my boys day in and day out. Let’s just say by September -finances changed and I need some extra cash.

How would I write a resume’ that explained my past experience? I attempted it, it made me LOL and so onto Craigslist I went sending it out. I really could not see myself working for anyone else, but I needed the extra cash and thought what the hell-isn’t everyone in the same boat?

 I sent to every job on Craigslist because in my mind I was qualified for everyone. However, I hadn’t seen one that said “Make your own hours, be your own boss, do want you want to do, express your opinions daily, and get paid!” So I kept sending and sending and not getting any response!

 Until I received a response that said “Hmmmm..Interesting. Tell me more?” So I did and tried to explain my life, keeping it short, in about 4 sentences…I told everyone I received a response and they were happy for me, but at the time I didn’t really expect an outcome.

Pink