The U Turn!

She was finally feeling better and the boss has been asking what’s going on with her. “Well, for Christ’s sake,” I’m thinking. “She along with the rest of the world is sick, you cheap son of a bi**h.” I offer to take her out for more training. But I made up my mind on the way over to fess up. And fessing up means possibly being the worst employee in the world. I’m supposed to be training her and I’m going to tell her that this isn’t working – for either of us.

See, she is creative and her strength is in her personality and her network. I have fun when I’m with her and we laugh a lot. And even if we are not laughing a lot I “get” the opportunities that she seizes for herself. She just doesn’t look for a job so she can go punch in and out somewhere. She is a great resource for people and knows it. I completely identify with her. In fact, we have talked many times about how we are sick of giving away free advice and ideas and that we have both decided that it was high time to get paid for our helpful ways. So, I need to tell her that the “anger” that she might have thought I was feeling was really distance. Distance from the company that we both have been working for and the unrealistic expectations of its leader. Some days the only thing I can bring myself to call him is “that bastard” and it’s only to myself because you’re supposed to support your boss – right? We were on the same river, her and I… and neither of us had a paddle.

I tell her that I think we should work together. I’m not exactly sure how or on what, but I’ve been wanting to focus on the creative side of the business for years now. Between the two of us, we could do some really fun things. And “fun” is the operative word. We both know life is rich and we are too “unique” to work for someone else for the rest of our lives, and my experience with this jerk is starting to seal my fate. We are passionate about helping people create a business from dream or idea, not trying to ram someone’s shitty product down your throat.

The cat’s out of the bag and we decide to talk about it over lunch (big surprise). But we have a big problem: what are we going to do about her? She doesn’t want to quit because she needs the money, but HATES the job. I start taking notes and thinking up how we can fix this. “Ok, let’s get our thoughts down on paper. Let’s have a plan.” I actually still have the notes: Project Basis, Not her MOJO, Loves the product, and then a long list of what’s wrong and the areas where she can be of value. “I know!” I say, “I’ll tell him you were crying about it!” (Great plan, genius) She looks at me like I’m crazy.

 We finally decide that she has to stay because she feels she has no choice. I’m not really sure why she feels she has no choice, but that’s it. Heck, she could work at CVS and make just as much money per week with no stress! So we leave to go back to her house.

Then we U-Turn. Literally. In the road, we U-turn. It happens in slow motion and I look down at my arm as I feel the car turning. She forgot her pad with all her notes at the restaurant. She’s turning the car, but we are on the outside lane. That means that there is a line of traffic next to us. Do I scream? No. I start laughing. Laughing because we weren’t hurt, laughing because she was so oblivious that there was a world around us, laughing because we need that damn pad, and laughing because we are back at square one. ~Seltzer

U Turns can be against the law 🙂

She comes over again, this time we sit in the kitchen and have coffee. I finally am getting out of my mouth-I just cannot fathom doing this job. She confesses to knowing that I am dying inside-we laugh and a weight has been lifted. Now that we get that out-of-the-way, what do we do about it?

Time for lunch-head to Bertucci’s-bring a pad and a purse. While there we sit and start laughing, this is totally wrong on every level. She thinks WE should work together (oh my god-my moons or something must be aligned this is crazy) we laugh a lot and she begins to tell me all her opinions on what has happened so far. Could this be for real?

I love the idea, we connect and our strengths and weakness’ coincide to make a perfect team. But, what to do about our current situation is the question? We came up with many plans, almost to easy. One plan, she decides she will tell him I was crying about it. I tell her that is not likely so don’t use that one. Then we decide the best way out of this is to see if she can convince him to have me stay on doing other stuff instead of door-to-door sales. Good plan, we will go with it. If it works then I can start building our company while she is out selling.

Maybe not-maybe we just leave it like this until then end of the year. We go back and forth about plans for awhile-making sure we have thought about every angle. However, one thing’s for sure-she will not tell him I am crying. LOL!

We leave the restaurant; this is so bad-can it be we are about to embark on a journey together? What if he finds out, what if he kills us-well that is not going to happen he has a limp.

We drive away and I realize I left my pad on the table. OMG, what if someone sees my notes and they know him and then they tell him. I immediately U_TURN on a 4 lane road-literally almost killing us. I pull over; we are laughing but only because it was an immediate reaction to almost dying. We drive back to get the pad.

PHEW-on to our new mission! ~PINK

Oh God, He Wants to Have a Sales Meeting?

So he sends me an e-mail the other day and tells me he wants to have a sales meeting. Are you serious? We just hired our first hire; she’s only had a few days out on the street – what the heck is there to meet about? The poor thing is going to be so freaked out and nervous. She’s just getting the hang of it and if he starts to drill her on what she thinks she’s going to sell; she’s just going to look at him like I do. It’s a look that says, “You are such an idiot.”

So I’m off – late of course. This is very bad. I need to make a good impression as her boss, but I have a tendency to cram everything in at the last minute. I’m dashing up and I give him the “I’ll be a little late” call. He seems okay and I’m not so sure what I’m worried about because he is never on time.

I arrive and he looks irritated. She looks okay – not frightened. I’m so glad! She’s not dressed up, which I guess is okay, but I wonder what he thinks. There are so many instincts that he’s right on with and then others that he’s kind of a doink about. And I’m not sure if his expression is irritation or if he has to fart (he does that in meetings sometimes).

I think we are going to have an organized meeting – you know like with an agenda. Instead he has a ton of our competitor magazines, brochures and direct mail pieces that he proceeds to go through and rip apart. He is giving her leads. I cannot believe he had us drive all the way up here (an hour away) to go through leads.

He is flinging pieces of paper at her fast and furious. I can’t believe he is doing this. She has a list that she created and we added to. This was her starter list. It’s so important for her to get through that and not feel overwhelmed. The key is to keep them focused – especially in the first three months when your head is swimming with information overload. UGH. What can I do? I join in because if I don’t he’ll give her stuff that has already been started. Now I am managing two people. One that needs it and one that doesn’t, and the one that does is flinging papers at a young woman sitting at his dining room table.


Sales, schmales!!!!

I get an email regarding a sales meeting at his house for 9:00am..what are you kidding, that is so early and he lives about 30 minutes from me~?

Go with it, it’s my job. So I get the boys on the bus , throw on some jeans, pink converse, ponytail…and head out. On the drive I am thinking to myself, what is this meeting going to be about…”prospects”..I have none..LOL, “How to get more prospects”…I don’t want one…”What to do when I get a sale”..who knows..this is worse then going to the dentist. 

I finally find the house, way out in the woods. Nice looking house, he comes out and is standing on the front steps…OMG he is wearing a Charlie Brown sweater with tan pants..I throw up in my mouth (not really but you get the drift!)

I go in and he shows me around a little and then asks if i want some coffee. I said sure, he then replies…”Can you make it, because I don’t know how to work our coffee maker?”……NOOOOOOOO…I have no idea how to use this machine, fine no coffee it is!

We talk for awhile, he is pacing a lot and we are waiting for her to come..where is she? Finally she walks in all happy and bubbly and annoying!

We sit down and I am expecting to talk about stuff and get a feel for what’s going on, instead they start ripping ad’s out of flyers, newspapers, magazines, and chucking them at me…WHAT IS GOING ON HERE?

One after another, after another..I am now getting papercuts and if this is a meeting, I want no part of it. I am writing and talking notes and trying to keep up with them…this is crazy, ad’s flying around and the funny part..I am the only one getting all the ad’s……Finally the misery comes to an end.

I walk out with all my leaflets of paper and ad’s and head to the car. Put my stuff in, they are standing there..”Now get out there and sell” he says…BYE!

I drive away and head to McDonalds for a breather…phew….


The Tongue Incident~

This was just bizarre and this is where it all began. At that time, I’m not sure I knew “it,” but this was “it.” I took her out on a full day of prospecting. It went really well. No one was rude and we had a chance to actually sit and talk to a few quasi-decision makers, and someone even said they were interested. Yes! So, it was a success and I’m sure she picked up a lot of insight. Once she got the hang of the whole “on the road” thing in outside sales, she would be fine.

(I think I remember that she told her husband she was so uncomfortable from the first time we went out. It got hot and we didn’t take our blazers off. Her, I’m not sure why. Me, I didn’t shave that week and I had no sleeves on my shirt! She told me her husband called to ask about her day and she yelled at him, “I can’t talk to you right now. I’m uncomfortable!” I think the audio of her saying that playing over in my head was the first time I got a deep chuckle from this hysterical person I think of a soul sister. (Gitchy gitchy ya ya.)

She asked if I wanted lunch. Of course! I was starving! The restaurant she picked was in the same location as a restaurant that I had gotten food poisoning at. I chuckled secretly to myself and confidently agreed to go there because, hey, it’s a different place now. I once again wolfed my food down and we proceeded to drive away so she could get her kids. If it was only that simple.  . .

My tongue felt like it was blowing up. Not like the whole thing and not like it was going to explode, but I could feel a small, hard ball at the end of it. “That’s weird,” I’m thinking. “I don’t remember that ball there before.” I’m having a private conversation in my head and pressing my tongue between my teeth to determine if this is a ball, if it is growing, if it hurts. What the heck?! I decide to get realistic AND I remembered my horoscope – yes – my horoscope. My horoscope for that day indicated that all my “i”s would be dotted and “t”s crossed, but nothing would prepare me for the interruption I would have and it would be (verbatim) “a doozy and I better think quick about how to deal with it.” Oye, now I become George Castanza from Seinfeld and proceed to overreact.

See, I had two allergic reactions in my life that made my lips and face swell. The last time I had this happen the doctor said, “Well, it’s something you ate and when it happens again, it will get progressively worse. We can stick you with a bunch of needles to determine the allergy or you can carry Benadryl with you.” I also promptly remembered my mother having a reaction to seafood and getting rushed to the hospital where they told her she almost died from asphyxiation as her tongue had swelled. So I begin to scramble for Benadryl in my bag and calmly ask her if there is a clinic in the area. Unbeknownst to me, she doesn’t do well in extreme situations. Actually, she doesn’t do well even in mild situations. Now that I know her, and she has mentioned this several times, it is a miracle of God the she gave childbirth.

She starts to scream at me “A clinic. NO. Why do you need a clinic? Well, there’s UCONN. Do you want to go there??!!!???!!”

Me: “No, if we have to drive to UCONN it might take too long. Where is there a walk-in clinic? My tongue is blowing up.”

She: “Your tongue is blowing up. Why? What’s wrong? Oh my GOD. You need a clinic. Why do you need a clinic?”

Me: “It’s okay. Don’t worry. I just need to go to a walk-in to make sure it’s okay.”

Well after all the drama, a walk-in was literally around the corner. Phew. I knew they would take me right away and I told her just to take my car to get her little monkey. She called him her “four –year old thing” and told me he acted like a mafooch and looked like Sammy the Bull Gravano. I could not WAIT to meet this kid. Off we both went as I profusely apologized. She didn’t know why I was apologizing, and I’m not so sure I did either, but I just hate it when people feel uncomfortable!

It turned out just fine and I took the Claritin that was in my bag (note to self: put lots of Benadryl in the bag!) The doctors were a little standoffish and didn’t even want to touch my tongue. I kept sticking out and saying, “Can you see it?” They would kind of back away. What was that all about? I wanted them to put a latex glove on and squeeze my tongue so they could feel it. How else could they diagnose it!

She makes it back with “Sammy” – oh my God – this kid does look like him and is the cutest Chubaka you’ve ever seen. Apparently my condition caused quite a ruckus at pick-up time at daycare. We laughed all the way home and I tried not to scare her kid. After all, I’m the lady whose tongue just “blew up” and he’s four. His visual is tissue and blood all over the place.

She FaceBook’d about it that night and got LOTS of response. I guess these things happen to her… Ahh, gotta love sales training.


It has been said, that everywhere I go there are dilemmas and that statement is VERY true. This day would be like any other in my life, drama filled.  I am heading out with her to go on sales calls. Oh fun! Anyway, she picks me up at my house and off we go. She has a list of places and her car has papers everywhere of clients and people and articles and stuff, there is definitely a method to her madness.

Driving around we are hitting several places, in and out of the car, in and out–annoying! Then she is dialing her phone with a blue tooth and talking, this girl is all business and she is fast. I am more of the turtle and she is the hare. I still get there but in my own fashion.

Finally after circling a huge parking lot in New Britain for what seemed like hours and then walking another mile to get to the office we were looking for, I am exhausted. You see when you run your own company, like I did, you plot these things out….this would have been a day trip for me. LOL, but it was actually our last stop and so we decided to head back to town for lunch.

We eat and talk and I can tell we are comfortable with each other and there is something about her that is very intriguing. Almost like, we should have been friends for years. We finish lunch and head to the car. I have to go and pick up my son at 3:00 and it is like 2:45.

Driving she says, “Heather is there a walk-in clinic around here?”

Me: “WHAT…WHAT’S the matter?!@

She: “I think I may be having an allergic reaction to something I just ate~”

Me: Are you KIDDING, OMG this is horrible, do you want to go to UCONN, how can you tell?”

 She: My tongue is swelling.

 Me: Are you kidding me, are you going to die? What!!! OMG this is horrible, what do we do. OMG turn around and go to the clinic up the street-

There was a lot more screaming and yelling, but it is blurred at this point for me.

All I keep thinking is what if she dies and I am with her and OMG!

She does a U-turn in the street and we head back to the clinic, we walk in and there she goes up to the desk and tells them the problem, she then turns to me and tells me to take her car and go get my son.

I fly out of there and to his daycare. Run in and tell him “we have to go quick, the lady I work with, her tongue just blew up in the car.we have to go quick!” His response like any other 4 yr old, “What mama, her tongue blew up and there is blood and guts all over?” No, no I have no time to explain this, just get in the car with your bike and all your bags.

We head back to the clinic and wait. While waiting he is convinced when she comes out her tongue will be gone and she will just have a head. Wait, wait, wait, finally she comes out and it turns out everything will be ok. He keeps checking her face. LOL.

I had to Facebook that evening and no one who knows me was really surprised, after all it’s just a day in the life of ME!